Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Freedemption

Won't you help me sing
these songs of freedom
is all I ever had
...redemption songs...

--- Put up your fists if all you want is freedom!
-- Put up your fists if all you want is freedom!
- We keep going on and we keep being strong
And we keep holding on - and on and on and on ---

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Human satellites

I've lost my inspiration to write. Somehow it's been drowned out by the daily routine at work, the tiredness I feel when I'm done for the day. But I've met a woman whose story I feel the need to write about. I don't know, maybe because it makes me feel so lonely...
For several reasons, I can't tell her story here even though I feel it painfully necessary. Because it is a horrible story. Because it is sad and hopeless and I need somebody else to feel the same about it. Becase it is the last thing I think about before I sleep. Because it happened not so far from us - and because it could happen to me and you. But mostly, I would've liked to tell the story because it is important and human.
N. is a survivor if I ever met one. She's been fighting against her tormentors for 15 years now. She is from Bosnia and suffered devastating abuse by her neighbours. She has never learned to live with it, never told anyone until she told me last week, never wanted to let them win. She married an abusive man, thinking she deserved no better. He let their children watch when he beat her up and threatened to take her life. He turned malevolent and jealous at the man that had abused her during the war. Go figure. N. understands all this.
N. made me realise something that I maybe understood a long time ago but never really understood. Humans are satellites, we are all separate entities who have no claim on being loved and cared for. We have no basic right to it - unless we are firmly living in the world, taking it in and reaching out for it. N. reached out for my compassion - had she not, she could have lived years on end with her tragedy, not knowing that someone might have helped her.
I'm not sure I can. I do my best. But in the end - who can cancel out the pain of a 17-year old who had her dreams for life crushed by the neighbour turned stranger, violator? In the end I wonder, if there is anyone who can make this woman feel any different about the trauma, the years gone by feeling useless, helpless and hopeless.
But I so so so wish someone could...